A Whirlwind
John: “No way! Are you….”
Me: ” I’m pregnant!”
I woke up early Monday morning with a feeling that I was pregnant. I got out of bed, pulled on my clothes and drove myself to the store to buy a test before anyone else was up. It was going to be positive, I could feel it. We had decided to start trying to get pregnant at the beginning of June, and I had the feeling that this month was when things had worked for us. I was still three days from a missed period, but I knew that the test would be positive, and I was right.
We couldn’t keep our excitement to ourselves. Lillie, our oldest, had been asking for months if we could please get a new baby. She just really would like to have a baby! As soon as she woke up that morning, we HAD to tell her because I knew how excited she would be. I was so right. This entire week has been filled with her coming up to me and hugging my stomach, rubbing it and then saying “I really love that baby!” or “I can tell it’s growing bigger!” or “Can it come out in two days?” or my personal favorite “Which one are you going to choose? A girl or a boy?” She wanted to tell everyone, so I let her tell our parents about it on the phone. Of course they were all so excited for us. I wanted to tell our siblings as well, so I put Addie in a shirt that Lillie had worn that said “Big Sister” on it and took a picture and sent it to them all with a caption about how it ‘must be an exhausting job but someone had to do it’ to see if they would catch on. It was so funny to see the responses back. Some of them caught on immediately, and others didn’t. Oh and one brother thought I was lying, that was pretty funny. We were still very early on in the pregnancy though, so we decided to wait to announce it to anyone else.
Thursday morning, I couldn’t help myself though. Lillie told me that she wanted to tell more people about her baby, so I called our grandparents. Lillie was so excited to tell them “Mom is having a baby!” They were elated to be able to have another great grandchild to add to the mix. I was only able to get a hold of two of the four sets of grandparents though, and as it would turn out, that was for the best. Thursday afternoon, my world was turned upside down.
John was leaving for Lake Powell at 4, and I was at my parents house because I found out that my uncle was in town. I was going to head home to see John before he left, but plans changed. I went to the bathroom at my parent’s house and found that I was spotting. At first, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I came out of the bathroom and told my mom and she advised me to call my dr. They asked me to go in for some blood work to check my HCG and Progesterone levels to make sure everything was ok.
I was terrified. What if I had miscarried? Maybe I didn’t? I didn’t know. I was a wreck. I checked in at the hospital and they called my name to go register for the blood work. She asked me which department I was going to, and through my tears I told her I needed to go to the lab to get some blood work done. I choked on the words, “I am getting my blood tested because I think I have miscarried.” I had said it. Her response came from a kind place, but it wasn’t what I needed to hear “if you did miscarry, it was probably for the best” I walked numbly back to the lab and they took my blood and I drove back to my parents house. The results would be in the next morning. Until then, I needed to relax and take it easy.
I was trying to be optimistic. The spotting was brown, and the cramping was minimal which if you do a quick google search, it tells you that those are normal things and you can still have a normal pregnancy. I told John to go ahead and go to Lake Powell because there was nothing that he could do anyway.
That night I went to bed with a prayer in my heart. “Please let this be ok. Please grant me some peace.”
I woke up at 4:30 the next morning with intense cramping. The bleeding started at about 6:00. I knew then.
At 7:00, the lab opened and I could get the HCG and Progesterone levels from them if I called. I turned to google again and found out what the normal numbers should be and then called the office to find out where mine were at.
HCG =20
Progesterone= 0.6
Way too low. It was over. I had miscarried. I couldn’t stop sobbing. I waited until the dr’s office was open and called in to hear what I already knew, but I needed to hear it from them before I could say it. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I found the wrong numbers or heard the wrong numbers. Maybe there was still a small chance. But I wasn’t wrong. They confirmed it. My baby was gone.
I don’t think there is anything that can fully prepare you for this kind of experience. The feeling of loss and grief is overwhelming at times. I had to tell Lillie. When she woke up Friday morning, she had no idea that my world had been turned upside down and she walked up to me, patted my tummy and said “yep, that baby is getting bigger. I love my baby.” I went into my bedroom and prayed to know how to tell her. What do you say to a 4 year old? It was so hard, but I did it. She has had to do a lot of processing about it. She keeps telling me that she would “like to write a letter to Jesus to tell him that she really wanted that baby, but could he please send a new baby to us.” She has been very sweet and innocent about it. She told me she needed to call her grandma to tell her. I had already told her, but I knew that Lillie needed to do that, so we called and she said simply, “my baby died.”
Life will go on, and in time I will be ok. The pain associated with the miscarriage is both emotional and physical, but it will end. For now, putting the words in my heart on this page is therapeutic for me. I needed to write down my story. If you have gone through this, what has brought you the most comfort? Please tell me, I could use some comfort.
For now, I will lift my chin, walk tall and know that God loves me and that eventually everything will be ok.
I’m so sorry for your loss! I never had a miscarriage that I know of, I was very blessed. I had four children. About 2 years ago I had to have a hysterectomy. After the surgery, the doctor told me that she was surprised that I was able to have ANY children! I really believe that God gave me the children He wanted me to have, despite my health challenges. But I did struggle to get pregnant each time. While I didn’t miscarry, I did go through that emotional roller coaster of wondering each month if that would be the month. That lasted for 5 years in between two of my children. And then….get this….when I was about 50, I skipped a period for the first time in my life. I even felt pregnant. I wondered how I would be able to raise another child at my age! But then a month later my periods returned. I still wonder if maybe that was a miscarriage. But as I look back, I just really do feel that God was in control, even when I couldn’t see His influence.
So sorry for your loss.
Oh Jonie. I am so so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I understand completely. It’s a bond that too many of us share. It is devastating and you will never forget it.
The only thing that brought me peace is KNOWING that I would see my baby again. I had a very special experience and I KNOW without a doubt that you will hold that little baby one day. (Next time I see you I will tell you everything, if you want).
But I can promise you that your sweet spirit is yours. They were WAY to special to be here on this horrible earth, But they needed to be apart of your family. Your family has grown, just not in the way that you thought it would.
I remember being angry because while I understood that, it still wasn’t fair. I wanted to hold this baby now. I wanted to see them. I wanted to share in the joy of raising them NOW! But, that wasn’t what happened.
Greave! Your loss is real and I am so so sorry for it.
Love you!
Jonie!
I am so sorry you had to go through this. I know it is a horrifying experience. I found comfort reading about Joseph and Emma Smith who lost so many sweet babies and stayed so strong in trusting the Lord’s plan.
Families are forever! The pain never completely goes away, but I find it comforting to know I have an angel and I will do everything in my power to be with someday.
I am so sorry for you loss. I completely understand what you are going through. I had three miscarriages. The emotional pain can be overwhelming at times….but I promise, it eases. I turned to my family for support and help. I also turned to my Heavenly Father. Prayer can bring so much peace. It also helped me to know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. Even though I can’t see the end, I know the experiences I am given are to help mold me into who He’d like me to become. I will be praying for you and your sweet family!
Oh Jonie, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. One thing that helped me was the knowledge that no matter how alone I felt in my pain and sorrow our brother, Jesus Christ, knew my exact pain and he grieved with me. Just know that you will be sad for awhile, longer than you expect probably, but it will get better. But even as the hurt eases you won’t ever forget this brief little life you carried. It was real, and it matters. Soon you’ll find yourself with the strength to comfort others who are going through this. I’m so sorry you’re joining this sisterhood. It surely isn’t easy but you will feel better and you will be stronger. Love you, Jonie!
I’m so so sorry to read this, Jonie. Losing pregnancies is something so tough and so personal, so thank you for having the courage to share this. Hopefully it will be therapeutic for you, and be able to help others who are going through this or will go through it. I know what it’s like to lose pregnancies, and it’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone! Allow yourself time to be sad, but also hug those sweet girls you have tight! I hope you are able to find some peace in this situation. I’ll be thinking about you! xoxo
Jonie, I am so sorry. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I had a sister who had this happen sort of and she made it and is now expecting. Just keep going everyday and Heavenly Father will do the rest!
Emily
Blarg. Squeezies and smooches for you.
I love you so much, sweetheart. You are strong and brave, but it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to ask why. And it’s okay to smack in the face the woman that told you it’s probably for the best, because its “probably for the best” that she get smacked.
Jonie. I’m so so sorry. Words fall short – I’m sorry this happened. Keep smiling and know you are so very loved. Everything happens for a reason. Loves and kisses babe.
I am so sorry for your loss! Miscarriage is a hard thing to endure. As much as others may like to believe it is no big deal, it is a VERY big deal to a Momma who has been trying to concieve for a while.
I had a similar experience in February of this year. My husband and I had been trying for a few months and finally got pregnant. At 8 weeks along I started spotting, but minimal cramping as well. I was asked to quickly come in for an ultrasound to see what the cause of the bleeding was. Unfortunately for me, I got to see our sweet little bean of a baby on the screen, but it’s tiny little heartbeat was irregular. It would beat, skip a beat, and beat again. I knew at that point that something was wrong and that I was actually loosing the baby. That night I had terrible cramping and passed the baby. My heart broke into a million pieces and I dreaded telling my husband.
He was so sweet when I did tell him, and he knew it was harder for me because I had seen our sweet bean on an ultrasound. I don’t recommend that to anyone, it made my miscarriage so so hard. I wondered what I could have done to save our baby, and if I had over done it to cause the miscarriage. At the same time I knew that there must have been something wrong with our sweet baby to cause a miscarriage.
I will keep praying for you, and know that your precious “rainbow” baby will come soon! Faith and keeping our hopes up is what helps us endure. Sending hugs and prayers your way!
I am sorry for your loss. I struggled with infertility for close to 4 years. Nothing about it was easy. Four years of the loss of a child every month. Tho, I have never actually lost a child, the loss of the chance each month became very painful.
My heart is with you as you are healing. I am thankful that the door is starting to be opened about miscarriages and infertility, no one should have to do either alone.
Thank you.
Oh my Jonie! I know all too well the heartache that comes with losing a baby. We have done it five times. In fact almost exactly one year ago was our last loss. I was almost 17 weeks along. The baby had died at about 13 weeks. It was hard. It never gets easier to go through no matter how many times you do it. Miscarriage is so unfair. It robs you of the bliss and innocence that pregnancy always brought. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and share some of the burden your heart is feeling. Just know that comfort will come. Time does help but for now soak in those sweet loves from your girls. Let John hold you while you cry. Pray and pray and pray some more. Hold on to your faith. It will get you through….at least that has been my experience. I love you and hope you know if you ever needed to talk I am always here. I have no real answers but just wanted to express my love to you. You are wonderful and amazing. I just love you…for real!
“My baby died.” That part got me. My heart is broken for you and your family. I am so, so sorry Jonie! 🙁 Thinking of you.
Oh Jonie I am sorry. I totally know how you feel. I have had two miscarriages, one right before I got pregnant with the girls (so I was probably 4 weeks along) and I had one in January (at 7 weeks along) right before this pregnancy. I don’t know why it seems to go that way with me, I sometimes wonder if just getting off birth control has anything to with it. Regardless of why it is always such a heart break. Know that many can relate and are there for you to talk to. It isn’t easy, I think the only thing that helped me is to think of trying again and counting my blessings for what the Lord has given me. Sorry I don’t have great advice, but we all love you and pray for you!
Jonie I’m so sorry to hear this! My heart aches for u. We lost our baby girl this week as well at 15 weeks. It’s painful I know. It’s hard to tell ur kids and have them so excited and then have to tell them they got sick. I know someday we will have peace. My heart is with you. I received a quote this week that has helped me. ” God, I know it is your plan, just help me through it” reminds me we are still human with human emotions and just need help understanding His plan. We love u.
Dear God, thank you for the courage you instilled in Jonie to be able to share this part of her life and be so transparent. Heal her, Lord. Heal her spirit, her body, and most of all her heart. Be with her and help her to feel supported by you in her darkest times. Help her to know how much the act of sharing her personal experience will help others to work through their own. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.
I’ve been reading your blog for several months, but your post today brought me to tears. About this time three years ago, we had the same experience. I know all too well the waves of grief, that gnawing sadness, that physical ache to hold this child. I’m so sorry you’ve had to live it. I found comfort in the thought that we would never forget this child. Life would move forward and there may be more babies, but this child would not be forgotten. We had told our children, too, and helped them process. That baby’s memory is still alive in our family, and they talk often about seeing their “sister.” We had decided to name our baby, and we called her Annie after one of our grandmothers. We never knew if it was a boy or a girl, but having a name helped us to say goodbye. Take comfort in this time to grieve. While you can’t linger in the sadness forever, your grief for this child is evidence of your love for him or her. Take as long as you need to stay here and mourn this loss! I am praying for you in this time of loss, and my heart goes out to you and your family as someone who knows that pain all too well.
I’m so sorry, Jonie. For me, it helps to think of the community of women that have also gone through this and are so kind and understanding. It’s never a good feeling, but it does help to know that you’re not alone. I’ll keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m so sorry Jonie. I had a few miscarriages before I had Camille. The 1st time I miscarried I lost that excitement you have when you see a positive pregnancy test. I never felt sure I would actually have a baby until they were born. I think that new fear was the worst part for me. However, I have found that looking back I think of those 2 pregnancies as the first 2 times we tried to make a body for Camille’s spirit. For whatever reasons, those bodies were flawed and couldn’t survive. (Neither one ever grew long enough to have a heartbeat.) I personally don’t believe you lost the chance to have that baby. I think you will eventually have him or her. But I KNOW the disappointment and heartache of having to wait. I’m so very sorry. Please let me know if I can do anything.
Oh Jones am so so sad to hear you had to go through this. It sucks so bad I’ve been there I can imagine dealing with all of that plus having to explain it to such an excited little one. Lots of hugs friend.
My heart just aches for you! I am so sorry to hear this! Your sweet family is in my prayers. I can’t imagine what it is like to lose a baby, but I have experienced intense loss in my life and I am the first to admit that it is SO hard! Please know that if you need someone to talk to or just someone to listen, I can be that person! You are amazing!
Jonie, I am so sorry for your hurt and loss right now. It is very real, it is very raw. It doesn’t matter if you are pregnant for 2 minutes or 20 weeks, you feel those nurturing, loving, motherly instincts kick in. And in that moment, you are a mother. When you lose that, I know how hard it is.
We’ve struggled with infertility our whole marriage: 20 years. Miscarriages have been part of our story too. At one particularly low point for me, a dear friend (who lost her first child at birth) shared some advice that was so helpful to me. She told me to imagine my pain, imagine my grief, imagine my hopes and dreams for that child, imagine all the emotions I needed to feel about the loss. Put those thoughts and feelings into a mental “box.” Now, imagine a shelf in your mind and put the box up on the shelf. Realize that at times you will need to take that mental box down. At those times, it is OKAY! Allow yourself to feel and remember and grieve…give yourself permission to feel everything you need to feel…to cry, to be sad, to mourn. But then, after a time, put that mental box back on the shelf. It will always be there. It is now a permanent part of who you are. But, you don’t have to carry it around with you all the time. Sometimes you need to take it down and revisit it. That is healthy and part of the healing process. But just remember to put it back on the shelf. In time, you will find yourself taking that box down less frequently. And, when you do it will be a little less painful. Yes, it will always be there and you can give yourself permission to take it down any time. But, it will also become something that will mold you and make you stronger, just so long as you do not allow it to become the sole thing that defines you.
This advice has helped me so many times over the years. I hope it will help you too.
You are loved, you are watched over. HE knows who you are and what you are going through. HE can make it better, for the Atonement covers our sorrows too.
I send you my prayers and hugs, Jonie!
I am so sorry for your loss. I had 3 miscarriages and the greatest comfort came from the knowledge that my sweet babies had come to earth, gotten a body, and had returned to live with our Heavenly Father. They had done all they needed to on this earth. Some day I will get to hold them, talk with them, and get to know them. For now, Heavenly Father and Jesus are watching over them for me. One night after family prayers, my daughter told me she couldn’t wait to go to heaven and see her brothers again. I was immediately in tears because all 4 of my kids are girls. Take sollace in your kiddos. They are closer to the other side and we can take comfort in their sweet spirits.
Oh Jonie, my heart is broken for you. I am praying for you. If you need anything, I am not that far away.
I finally just read through your post. I just want you to know how much I look up to you and have just loved you from the first time I met you! My prayers are with you and you know you can talk to me anytime. Your amazing girl.
Thanks Whit. You are such a great friend to me. We need to get together more often!